First 5 Minutes at a Waterpark With Kids

Me, Daddy, Toddler and Baby went to Alton Towers at the weekend.  This was the first 5 minutes in the waterpark with two children under 4!

Me: Do not go anywhere without Mummy or Daddy ok?

Toddler: Ok Mummy.

Me (to Daddy): Right, shall we get them in the toddler pool it’ll be warm, I think?

Daddy: Yep, let’s go.

Me (to Daddy about Baby): Do you think he’s warm enough?

Daddy: Yes, he’s fine.

Me: But he looks a bit cold.

Daddy: But he feels warm, he’s fine.

Me: Where is she?

Daddy: She’s right there, I’m keeping an eye on her.

Me: I don’t like her going in on her own.

Daddy: She’s got armbands on, she’s fine.

Me: She’s going into the deep end.

Daddy: It’s the toddler pool, there’s no deep end.

Me: Do you think he’s (baby) too hot?

Daddy: No.

Me: But he looks hot, it’s really hot in here, he’s got a full body costume on, I should’ve got baby trunks.  Oh God, did you put his swimming nappy on?

Daddy: Yes.

Me: Are you sure?

Daddy: Yes.

Me: Where is she, I can’t see her – oh there she is.

Daddy: I’ll take her on a slide.

Me: Be careful, you’ll need go on with her and keep her legs in, and lift her up when you get to the bottom.  Are her arms bands tight enough?

Daddy: Yes.

Me: I think he’s getting cold… Where’s she gone now? Oh God, where is she?

Daddy: She’s right there playing with the buckets. 

Me: Do you think she’s warm enough?

Daddy: Yes.


Toddler: OKAY!

Me: His skin is getting all wrinkly I think I’ll take him out for a bit.

Daddy: He’s fine, he’s only been in the water for 5 minutes.

Me: He’s cold, I’ll get him wrapped up in a towel.  Where is she? I can’t see her, oh there she is.

Daddy: I’m taking her on a slide.

Me: Ok, be careful.


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6 Alternative Baby Names!

For years I thought that Nicole Kidman had called her daughter Sunday Roast. Initially I thought ‘how ridiculous’, then I thought ‘oh she must have English roots’ a bit weird, but hey celebrities can get away with any names.  I actually grew to accept it until I read an article recently and realised her name was actually Sunday Rose!

My daughter is Florence Rose and my son is Tom Fox.  I gave my husband free reign on Tom’s middle name as he was to be our last child and his only son.  I was preparing for 11 members of Liverpool FC, or a list of his favourite actors but no, he wanted to call him Fox!  Which considering he had free reign I don’t think is too bad?!

I thought of poor old Apple Martin and a few other celebrity children and thought where will it all end?  So here are a few of my ‘name’ predictions for the future:


  1. HUMAN – Simple, to the point.  Can be shortened to ‘Hu’. Does what it says on the tin, this child is a human…it has a body with legs and arms and a head. A bit of an obvious choice but I think this name will catch on.


  1. CILLIT BANG – Just like Apple, I was thinking of something that represents cleanliness, freshness and purity.  But then I realised that it would be shortened to ‘Silly’ and that just sounds awful.


  1. LADY’S SLIPPER – We probably all know a little girl called Daisy, Poppy, Dahlia and maybe even Bluebell, Hyacinth or Holly. The list goes on!  The Lady’s Slipper is a beautiful flower, and it’s the rarest and most expensive in the UK.  Perfect name for a special little girl?


  1. HORNY – We’ve all heard of Brooklyn, India and other such names, which are often linked to where the child was conceived.  For me it would mean calling both of mine ‘Lancashire’, which doesn’t have the same ring.  How about tapping into the emotion we felt at the time, linking our child’s name with a feeling that expresses how much love was surrounding them at the time they were conceived?  It means thinking a bit outside of the box but the options are endless.


  1. MOSTLY DRY WITH SOME CLEAR SPELLS SCATTERED SHOWERS AND BREEZY – Types of weather and links to nature seem to growing in popularity such as Rain, Storm, Summer, Sunny.  This name, although a bit ‘out there’ I think encompasses most weather fronts.  It’s unisex and could be shortened to simply ‘Breezy’ or ‘Dry’.


  1. I’M NOT GIVING MY CHILD A TRADITIONAL NAME BECAUSE WE ARE SPIRITUAL BEINGS AND ARE AT ONE WITH NATURE AND WANT OUR CHILD TO GROW UP WITHOUT BEING LABELLED OR BEING FORCED TO BE PUT INTO A CATEGORY SO BY CALLING HIM THIS HE REMAINS FREE AND FLUID– A bit of a controversial option. Not your traditional name but another that seems to roll off the tongue. It evokes a sense of deep meaning and connection to a life surrounded by free choice and equality.  It could be shortened to….well no, I don’t think it can be shortened but hey it’s unique.

Which names do you think are unusual and do have any to add to this list?!

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9 Reasons Why I’m a Terrible Mother

When it was just toddler and me, I happen to think I was a perfect mummy.  I did the parent/baby class, changed her nappy the recommended 10/12 time per day and was on top of everything 24hrs a day.

Along came baby and my inner perfectionist who lived for ‘cooled boiled water’ diminished into a puff of poo smelling smoke and a terrible mother reluctantly appeared….

Now, I’ve come to terms with the fact that it’s ok not to be perfect and this thing called common sense reared its beautiful head and I’m now at peace with fact I’m not an NHS acclaimed / health visitor approved Mummy!

Nappies – Call me controversial but I do not change my baby’s nappy the recommended 10/12 times per day. I find it makes their sensitive bums sore and copious amounts of sudocreme are needed. They’re bloody expensive and I want to see a nice yellow poop to get my monies worth before slap dashingly swapping it for another perfectly clean nappy. Plus it’s more environmentally friendly.

Attend a Baby Class – I’m all for exposing babies to environments to stimulate their senses, get used to being around ‘other babies’ and developing social skills.  However, my 4 month old baby really doesn’t want to be reminded each week of how he wasn’t breastfed for more than 4 weeks, or that his clothes don’t get ironed (see point below). In fact I think to continue to attend these sessions would give him a complex, and he would soon realise he has an imperfect mummy, so we politely decline.

Ironing – I don’t iron any clothes smaller thanDSC_0071 a pair of granny knickers – no I don’t iron my underwear either, but I also don’t iron my little boys clothes who is 4 months old – report me now.  I find a good fold and press suffices on a t shirt small enough to blow my nose on.

Bibs – Now this is a really awful admission but my perfect friesmallnd gave me 7 bibs all with the days of week embroidered beautifully on the front. I have been known to use a Wednesday on a Saturday and even a Tuesday on a Thursday – could I get any worse?

I pad – Shoot me now because yes I let my 3 yr old have her own ipad.  Most people assume she’s gaming or playing Candy Crush.  Sometimes she does, but mainly she’s playing Snap, learning how to match animal noises with the right animals or learning her ABC’s.  This generation of techy toddlers need to know how to use a phone, Ipad and PC because it’s a form of education just as an abacus was in my childhood. She doesn’t need glasses because of over exposure to the screen and has not yet developed any signs of becoming a recluse.

Breakfast in the Car- With a baby to get ready and a toddler who likes to dress herself, do her own hair, put on her own shoes and check all the lights are off before we set off for nursery I admit that she’s munched on a piece of toast and drank from a ‘sippy’ cup in the car.

Swear – I’m not a ‘swearer’ but I have been known to shout the odd expletive in front of my toddler when I’ve burned my finger, banged my little toe for the 100th time on the baby bouncer or shouted at the dog when he’s barking in the window just after I’ve got baby to sleep.  Once or twice my toddler has repeated said word and being the imperfect mum I am I had a little giggle inside but then never responded to it.  I find so many people make a big deal about it that toddler remembers said word and will continue to say it for comedic effect.  As yet, I’ve had no negative reports from nursey but admit this needs to stop the older she gets!

Lie About Stuff – So when my toddler asks me to take her to Unicorn Land or that her one wish is to ride a unicorn, I’m not yet ready to tell her they don’t exist.  I will search the internet until I find a horse prepared to wear a pink horn for a day, or use those words all imperfect mums have used ‘maybe’ or ‘we’ll see’, but I’m not ready to explain the non-existence of unicorns just yet. (I couldn’t believe this either, why can’t they just be real, are they extinct or did they never exist?)

I even told her that when she went for her pre-school injections they were injecting her with pink unicorn juice, which she accepted with no doubt.  It seemed to work and I’m quite sure she won’t hold it against me in years to come but who knows?

The 10th RSVP – There was one weekend when she had 3, yes 3 parties.  I honestly don’t mind spending £30 on 3 different sets of Shopkins for 3 different children, but on the only weeDSC_0072kend Daddy was off work I had to decline one.  She chose the two she wanted to go to, but oh my word the guilt!

Oh no wait, that ‘mummy guilt’ was left in the womb when my second child was born. I spent too long feeling guilty for practically everything that this time round things are different.  I need to prioritise time with each of my babies and if it means wearing the wrong bib, not attending the 10th party of the week, eating breakfast in the car or telling a few white lies then call me a terrible mother, because yes that’s what I am!



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Being a Mum Has Made Me Thick!

My recent lack of drive, enthusiasm and passion for writing has sent me into a slight depression. It was literally the only thing I was good at before I became a Mum!  It was bad enough after my first born, but having just given birth for a second and final time…*ponders for a split second about having a third* NO! …the thinking part of my brain seems to have become detached from the rest of my body.  Just some examples of things that are now accepted as the norm in my life include:

  • Starting every sentence with erm, yeah, so, er, um…
  • Calling my daughter my son’s name, my husband my daughter’s name and my son the dog’s name…
  • Just accepting that sometimes I put the marmite on my toast before the butter
  • Being really good (and impressively quick) at getting everyone out of the house to nursery, going shopping, getting home and doing the ironing etc.
  • The reality to the above bullet point is that breakfast is served in the car (usually toast with marmite/butter) I ALWAYS lose my shopping list before ever getting to the supermarket, and I’d love to say I get the ironing done, but the truth is I’ve often forgot to even put a wash on.
  • I plan each day thinking I’ll get at least an hour to myself, and in those few and far between ‘hours’ I spend the time making a list of the things I should’ve done today but will have to now wait until tomorrow!
  • And repeat for the next 7 days.
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5 Ways Saturday Night Has Changed With a Newborn!

BK (Before Kids) Saturday night was THE night! Mr Balderdash and I would rise lethargically from our pits in the morning and plan the night ahead.  It would mainly consist of pre- drinks at home, then meeting friends for a few more drinks, maybe a meal, definitely a dance and then a night cap at around 2:30am, happy in the thought that Sunday – our day of rest (remember them?) would include the notorious consumption of hangover munchies and winecoca cola.

Those days are long gone – which to be honest I don’t really yearn to feel like shit every Sunday anymore, and the thought of staying out later than 10pm quite frankly fills me horror – the thought of having to queue in a bar, or wait in the cold for a taxi! What I do miss is the ‘Saturday Routine’ we stuck to so adamantly, which got me thinking what it my ‘Saturday Routine’ now?

1. Texting Friends – We would arrange to meet at the same pub each week, ask what each other is wearing, who’s going out and general balderdash that comes with not seeing your friends for a whole week! Nowadays, if I’m lucky I text the cripplingly expensive Xfactor to cast my vote on who has sang the shittiest this week. I may also text Santa or any other charity show to still justify my existence and attachment to the big, scary outside world.

2. Getting My Bag Ready – First I would choose my bag to match my outfit. Place following items in said bag; Lipstick / gloss, chewing gum, purse, comb, blusher, eyeliner, phone, cash. My current ‘bag’ is the one I make up every night to take up to bed. It includes everything I need to get me through the night with a newborn so that I don’t have to come downstairs in the dark. Nappies, wipes, Infacol, formula, bottles, change of baby clothes, muslin clothes, dummy, phone (to use the torch app in the night and vote on xfactor).

3.Getting Dressed – I’d match my dress with my shoes add strapless bra, spanks, high heels, straighten hair, apply make-up whilst sipping wine..oh how I miss wine. Nowadays my staple item of clothing are my PJ’s, they often have an aroma of stale milk, mustn’t forget the nipple pads, oh and maternity pads, grandma knickers (they are so comfy) slippers and maternity bra.

4.Listen to some Music – I would plug in my phone and listen to some dance music, maybe even have a sing a long looking forward to ‘drunk dancing’ in around 5 hours time..whilst sipping wine..oh how I miss wine. My playlist now consists of nursery rhymes, white noise and the Fun Song Factory soundtrack, and the closest I get to drunk dancing is swaying gently in half light with my baby in arms ‘milk drunk’. At least one of us is drunk.

5.Call a Taxi and wait in anticipation for the night to begin! Cue, getting weed on for the third time today on my third set of clean clothes…can’t even be bothered to change them now…taxi for Mrs Balderdash…



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8 Ways Our Toddler Says ‘I Love You’

I may only be 2 yrs old but I can tell my Mummy and Daddy exactly what I need (want). My actions speak much louder than my words!

When I put on the wrong shoes, or when Mummy gives me the wrong biscuit I scream and shout. It’s the only way I know how to tell my Mummy ‘I Love You’!!

When you helped me with my colouring book, teaching me to keep in between the lines. I kept scribbling all over the page so hard that the paper ripped and I drew all over the table!

That was so much fun and I tried to say sorry by drawing a heart on your arm but you took the pens off me.

When you lovingly cooked me a hot delicious, nutritious meal and I said “urghh don’t like it” so that Daddy will play the aeroplane game with me. I push the food off the fork and it goes all over the floor!  You say “no dessert for you unless you eat your dinner!”  It’s so funny that game, and you let me play that one nearly every night!2015-05-23 20.16.34

I leave you my favourite stickers on the doors and walls so that when you are on your own they will remind you of me!

I tore a page from my favourite book to keep under my bed. It reminds me of when you do that funny wolf noise in the story and he comes to eat the children and we scream and shout together.

I look at that page every night and the safest place I can keep it is be under my bed.


And sometimes when I’m tired and I shout out things like ‘Put Dora on TV! ’ or ‘I want sweeties! ’, what I’m really saying is ‘I love you’.

I love to empty your purse of all those receipts and rip them up! That’s me letting you know that there’s no need to return those clothes you bought because you look beautiful in all of them!


You get annoyed when I play with your lipstick but that’s because I want to be like you Mummy and look like you Mummy.


2015-05-23 09.57.18

Finally, when you are rushing to get me to nursery and you need to get to work and I take so long to do ANYTHING!

I take my time eating my porridge and spill a bit on my top so you have to change my clothes.

I put my shoes on the wrong feet and ask you to help me.

You get annoyed when you do my hair and I pull it all out. I sometimes throw a tantrum and hide under the table.

But the truth is, once I’m at nursery I won’t get to see you for the rest of the day.

In fact I do all this at bedtime too because I want to spend every minute I can with you.
I love you.

Can you pass me that biscuit please and pop Peppa Pig on TV before bed?  X


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