When it was just toddler and me, I happen to think I was a perfect mummy. I did the parent/baby class, changed her nappy the recommended 10/12 time per day and was on top of everything 24hrs a day.
Along came baby and my inner perfectionist who lived for ‘cooled boiled water’ diminished into a puff of poo smelling smoke and a terrible mother reluctantly appeared….
Now, I’ve come to terms with the fact that it’s ok not to be perfect and this thing called common sense reared its beautiful head and I’m now at peace with fact I’m not an NHS acclaimed / health visitor approved Mummy!
Nappies – Call me controversial but I do not change my baby’s nappy the recommended 10/12 times per day. I find it makes their sensitive bums sore and copious amounts of sudocreme are needed. They’re bloody expensive and I want to see a nice yellow poop to get my monies worth before slap dashingly swapping it for another perfectly clean nappy. Plus it’s more environmentally friendly.
Attend a Baby Class – I’m all for exposing babies to environments to stimulate their senses, get used to being around ‘other babies’ and developing social skills. However, my 4 month old baby really doesn’t want to be reminded each week of how he wasn’t breastfed for more than 4 weeks, or that his clothes don’t get ironed (see point below). In fact I think to continue to attend these sessions would give him a complex, and he would soon realise he has an imperfect mummy, so we politely decline.
Ironing – I don’t iron any clothes smaller than a pair of granny knickers – no I don’t iron my underwear either, but I also don’t iron my little boys clothes who is 4 months old – report me now. I find a good fold and press suffices on a t shirt small enough to blow my nose on.
Bibs – Now this is a really awful admission but my perfect friend gave me 7 bibs all with the days of week embroidered beautifully on the front. I have been known to use a Wednesday on a Saturday and even a Tuesday on a Thursday – could I get any worse?
I pad – Shoot me now because yes I let my 3 yr old have her own ipad. Most people assume she’s gaming or playing Candy Crush. Sometimes she does, but mainly she’s playing Snap, learning how to match animal noises with the right animals or learning her ABC’s. This generation of techy toddlers need to know how to use a phone, Ipad and PC because it’s a form of education just as an abacus was in my childhood. She doesn’t need glasses because of over exposure to the screen and has not yet developed any signs of becoming a recluse.
Breakfast in the Car- With a baby to get ready and a toddler who likes to dress herself, do her own hair, put on her own shoes and check all the lights are off before we set off for nursery I admit that she’s munched on a piece of toast and drank from a ‘sippy’ cup in the car.
Swear – I’m not a ‘swearer’ but I have been known to shout the odd expletive in front of my toddler when I’ve burned my finger, banged my little toe for the 100th time on the baby bouncer or shouted at the dog when he’s barking in the window just after I’ve got baby to sleep. Once or twice my toddler has repeated said word and being the imperfect mum I am I had a little giggle inside but then never responded to it. I find so many people make a big deal about it that toddler remembers said word and will continue to say it for comedic effect. As yet, I’ve had no negative reports from nursey but admit this needs to stop the older she gets!
Lie About Stuff – So when my toddler asks me to take her to Unicorn Land or that her one wish is to ride a unicorn, I’m not yet ready to tell her they don’t exist. I will search the internet until I find a horse prepared to wear a pink horn for a day, or use those words all imperfect mums have used ‘maybe’ or ‘we’ll see’, but I’m not ready to explain the non-existence of unicorns just yet. (I couldn’t believe this either, why can’t they just be real, are they extinct or did they never exist?)
I even told her that when she went for her pre-school injections they were injecting her with pink unicorn juice, which she accepted with no doubt. It seemed to work and I’m quite sure she won’t hold it against me in years to come but who knows?
The 10th RSVP – There was one weekend when she had 3, yes 3 parties. I honestly don’t mind spending £30 on 3 different sets of Shopkins for 3 different children, but on the only weekend Daddy was off work I had to decline one. She chose the two she wanted to go to, but oh my word the guilt!
Oh no wait, that ‘mummy guilt’ was left in the womb when my second child was born. I spent too long feeling guilty for practically everything that this time round things are different. I need to prioritise time with each of my babies and if it means wearing the wrong bib, not attending the 10th party of the week, eating breakfast in the car or telling a few white lies then call me a terrible mother, because yes that’s what I am!